Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
