we have pet lesbian snakes
it hurts more in the daytime
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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