I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
