he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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