My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
did you just send me my own nude
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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