Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
