doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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