he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
