He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
why is half of my head shaved?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
