Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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