The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
