I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
