Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
