I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
