Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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