I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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