I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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