dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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