So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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