I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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