either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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