I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
