I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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