I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
