barbara walters just said penis...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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