last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
