Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Randomize
