Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
