I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
