I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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