Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
they're like a gay fantastic four
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
