foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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