I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
