I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
