Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
