You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
