just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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