Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
