Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
