we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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