I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
