I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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