I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
