Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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