Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
