If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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