Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
