my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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