I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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