I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
